Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
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wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I’m giving up for Lent.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog