I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
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Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Have a lovely day 😊
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Is this a threat?
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.