This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
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2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.