Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
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What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
#DesignFail
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank