He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
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Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
💻🤡
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.