Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
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*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
it must be school picture day
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.