Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
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I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!