A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
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Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.