*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
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[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
#titanic