I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
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My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
stand with me against insufficient seating
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!