A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way