Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
You Might Also Like
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.