waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
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If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person