my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
You Might Also Like
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
LA today:
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY