My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
You Might Also Like
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Netflix: We have Less
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.