I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
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Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter