I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
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My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
and now we wait
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver