Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
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Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.