Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
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You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.