[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
You Might Also Like
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
oh u like geography? name every lake
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here