Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
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HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!