you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
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Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Any refunds available?…
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it