My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
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Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
hmmm
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
prepare for carbonated trouble
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.