*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
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Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown