So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
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[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.