There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
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Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED