all i want is to be as happy as this potato
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I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.