All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
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charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Support your local cemetery
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?