[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
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Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.