I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
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pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I’m good, thanks.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?