The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
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Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Cool shirt 🙂
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Fluff me with a fork baby
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.