If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
just witnessed a drug deal
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Okay
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Mistakes were made
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?