i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
You Might Also Like
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
i did the math
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
CRYING