Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
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might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
We’ve come full circle
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
This took me a second..
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME