He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.