My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
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when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”