Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
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*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
“The Perfect Relationship”
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*