I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
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Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
The three genders
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
do u think theres a butter planet?
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*