2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
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My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.