BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
You Might Also Like
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004