Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
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my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!