If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
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Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Very problematic
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free