When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
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The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.