Blew my mind.
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Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this