IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
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Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
This is my cat’s medicine.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread