MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
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Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what