I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
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I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me