Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
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I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.