“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
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My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.