sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I have so many questions.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware